GRIEF and GRIEF Counseling
What Have You Lost?
Some losses are more significant than others. Experiencing a loss and having feelings of grief isn’t always related to the death of someone close. In fact, “loss” is one constant that continues to re-emerge throughout our lives. As much as we want to not lose anyone or anything dear to us, it happens. We lose friendships, homes, neighbors, jobs, lovers, innocence, children, foster children, foster parents, pets, in-laws, stepparents, caregivers, roommates, pregnancies, marriages, physical health, children given up for adoption, classmates, and colleagues. Grief is the loss of anything important that mattered to you.
What are Reactions to Grief?
Sometimes our reaction to loss can vary throughout our lives depending upon our age or developmental stage, and the support we have through our close relationships. It is important to remember that grief is a natural response to loss. You may experience feelings of shock, deep sadness, relief, numbness, remorse, guilt, shame. Or you may not experience these feelings at all. Your feelings may be completely different from someone else experiencing the same loss. Your feelings are unique to you. There are no right or wrong ways to feel.
In addition to having an emotional reaction to grief, it is possible to have physical reactions, as well. Physical symptoms of grief may leave you feeling weak, breathless, anxious, constricted, overly sensitive to loud noises, lack of appetite or overeating, and experiencing physical pain, just to name a few.
Sometimes behaviors such as sleep disturbance, absentmindedness, restless over activity, dreams, clinging to reminders, avoidance of reminders, appetite disturbance, and social withdrawal can also be symptoms of grief.
Disenfranchised Grief Explained
People who are experiencing grief but cannot or do not openly share their loss due to stigma, feelings of shame and embarrassment, societal unacceptance of the loss or how it occurred, or who don’t have the developmental capacity to fully understand a loss has occurred or the significance of the loss at the time (such as children, elderly for example) are “disenfranchised grievers”. Disenfranchised grievers often suffer in silence. Examples of this could be the loss of a loved one due to suicide, homicide, auto-erotic asphyxiation, AIDS, loss of pregnancy, selective abortion, loss of a pet, loss of an affair or lover, loss of a life partner or significant other, just to name a few.
Grief, Mourning, Bereavement Defined
The Stages of Grief
Elizabeth Kübler-Ross identified five stages of grief that patients with terminal illness experience prior to death. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. With time, the “stages of grief” became popularized and widely known as the stages people experience when there has been a significant loss in their lives. Kübler-Ross’ work is credible, no doubt! The problem is the misperception that once we pass through each of the five stages, we are then healed. Not to say this doesn’t happen for some people, some of the time, but grief typically has no set linear pattern. People often describe feelings of grief as hitting them like waves in the ocean, coming and going, some smaller, some bigger, and some crashing down hard without warning.
Words that Don’t Help During Grief
If you don’t know what to say to someone who is grieving, ask them what they need from you, and follow through. People don’t need more casseroles in the immediate aftermath of a loss, they need you in the subsequent weeks that follow, when life returns to normal for everyone else but them. A week or two after the funeral, ask them out for coffee or lunch.
We Can and Do Heal from Grief
Each time we tell our story, a little healing takes place. Sharing time and space with another who cares about your well-being, identifying unexpressed emotions, putting words to feelings, expressing frustration or anger, and holding space to acknowledge what you’ve been through, to honor your experience and growth, is the path toward healing. At my practice you will be met with warmth, understanding, and acceptance.
Some losses are more significant than others. Experiencing a loss and having feelings of grief isn’t always related to the death of someone close. In fact, “loss” is one constant that continues to re-emerge throughout our lives. As much as we want to not lose anyone or anything dear to us, it happens. We lose friendships, homes, neighbors, jobs, lovers, innocence, children, foster children, foster parents, pets, in-laws, stepparents, caregivers, roommates, pregnancies, marriages, physical health, children given up for adoption, classmates, and colleagues. Grief is the loss of anything important that mattered to you.
What are Reactions to Grief?
Sometimes our reaction to loss can vary throughout our lives depending upon our age or developmental stage, and the support we have through our close relationships. It is important to remember that grief is a natural response to loss. You may experience feelings of shock, deep sadness, relief, numbness, remorse, guilt, shame. Or you may not experience these feelings at all. Your feelings may be completely different from someone else experiencing the same loss. Your feelings are unique to you. There are no right or wrong ways to feel.
In addition to having an emotional reaction to grief, it is possible to have physical reactions, as well. Physical symptoms of grief may leave you feeling weak, breathless, anxious, constricted, overly sensitive to loud noises, lack of appetite or overeating, and experiencing physical pain, just to name a few.
Sometimes behaviors such as sleep disturbance, absentmindedness, restless over activity, dreams, clinging to reminders, avoidance of reminders, appetite disturbance, and social withdrawal can also be symptoms of grief.
Disenfranchised Grief Explained
People who are experiencing grief but cannot or do not openly share their loss due to stigma, feelings of shame and embarrassment, societal unacceptance of the loss or how it occurred, or who don’t have the developmental capacity to fully understand a loss has occurred or the significance of the loss at the time (such as children, elderly for example) are “disenfranchised grievers”. Disenfranchised grievers often suffer in silence. Examples of this could be the loss of a loved one due to suicide, homicide, auto-erotic asphyxiation, AIDS, loss of pregnancy, selective abortion, loss of a pet, loss of an affair or lover, loss of a life partner or significant other, just to name a few.
Grief, Mourning, Bereavement Defined
- Grief is the emotional reaction to loss
- Mourning is the external demonstration of grief
- Bereavement is the objective situation of having lost
The Stages of Grief
Elizabeth Kübler-Ross identified five stages of grief that patients with terminal illness experience prior to death. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. With time, the “stages of grief” became popularized and widely known as the stages people experience when there has been a significant loss in their lives. Kübler-Ross’ work is credible, no doubt! The problem is the misperception that once we pass through each of the five stages, we are then healed. Not to say this doesn’t happen for some people, some of the time, but grief typically has no set linear pattern. People often describe feelings of grief as hitting them like waves in the ocean, coming and going, some smaller, some bigger, and some crashing down hard without warning.
Words that Don’t Help During Grief
- They are in a better place
- Heaven needed another angel
- You never know when your time is up
- You can get another one
- You can have another one
- Any statement that starts with “At least….” At least you got to see them before they died, at least you can get pregnant, at least you had a … (fill in the blank)
If you don’t know what to say to someone who is grieving, ask them what they need from you, and follow through. People don’t need more casseroles in the immediate aftermath of a loss, they need you in the subsequent weeks that follow, when life returns to normal for everyone else but them. A week or two after the funeral, ask them out for coffee or lunch.
We Can and Do Heal from Grief
Each time we tell our story, a little healing takes place. Sharing time and space with another who cares about your well-being, identifying unexpressed emotions, putting words to feelings, expressing frustration or anger, and holding space to acknowledge what you’ve been through, to honor your experience and growth, is the path toward healing. At my practice you will be met with warmth, understanding, and acceptance.
